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WARNING: THIS PAGE CONTAINS OLD OUTDATED ARTICLES THAT HAVE NOT STOOD WELL AGAINST THE TEST OF TIME. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Polka dots
Polka dots are a mystery. It seems that almost no one knows exactly where they originate, but everyone has their own theory. For example, Mr. Wall believes that polka dots were invented by the Chinese to infiltrate our computer network. He attributes the power outages and the poor internet on polka dots. As to whether or not this true, I do not know. However, I do know that Mr. Wall believes that the NSA(National Security Administration) will not help us when the Chinese take full control of our computer systems. According to research, polka dots were in style from the 1850's through the 1950's. Despite "being out of style," the most common opinion of polka dots is neutral. However, some people like only certain colors of polka dots. While Ethan B. feels that polka squares are better, he also believes that all polka shapes are created equal. Another common opinion of polka dots is that they are overrated or overused. Then, there is that one guy(*cough noises*Micah) who claims that polka dots are "completely awful." Also, Trevor believes that polka dots are stylish. If you find your views on polka dots changed after reading this article, do not worry for that will not effect your personality. I, for one, believe that there is nothing wrong with polka dots. I do, however, believe that you should take Mr. Higus's advice and refrain from wearing polka dots with stripes.
Roundabouts
Roundabouts are a traffic solution that that is gaining popularity across the world. So why are they so popular? I intend to find out. Despite their apparent popularity, citizens have different opinions about roundabouts. For example, Alex stated that "they (roundabouts) f*****g suck!" He requested that I use three exclamation points. However, I do not believe in using more punctuation than is necessary........................................................................................................................................................................... Some speculate that roundabouts are installed in order to keep traffic flowing, while Nathan claims that they are made so other people can have fun while driving around them. The majority of people believe that roundabouts are a pointless waste of money and time. Despite varied opinions, roundabouts are becoming increasingly popular around the globe for no apparent reason.
Juggling
We were going to write about juggling. Then we found out that juggling was stupid, even more so than cup stacking. So, we decided against writing about juggling.
Warning: This article contains a spoiler to Star Wars Episode VII: The attack of Jar-Jar No-Brains
The new movie opens with Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca in the Millennium Falcon in hyperspace entering the Naboo system to attempt to destroy the main operating base of the New Order army. As they land on the planet, they are ambushed by a hoard of Gungans who quickly overrun them. We are then shown that they are being led by a masked sith with a very strong connection to the force. As the protagonists are captured, Mickey Mouse jumps out to sing a song with Minnie and Goofy. The song lasts for two hours and is the It's A Small World After All over and over and over. If you didn't leave the movie after that, the sith unmasks himself and says, ¨Messa name Jar-Jar¨. He then proceeds to kill everyone and maniacally trip over his own feet causing him to set off a bomb that explodes the entire planet. But, he somehow survives and takes over the galaxy. THE END
School Food
School food is an apparently edible object that most people attempt to eat every day. However, most people have no idea what is in school food and do not realize that by eating it, they may very well be shortening their lifespan. An anonymous staff member of Mossville school was interviewed. When we asked what was in school food, he attempted to dodge the question by saying that it was standard for the state of Illinois. The most obvious proof is the reactions different students show when they are interviewed about our potentially deadly food. “I think it is made of animal organs/yuck”,”Yuck”, and “Well I think the school lunches taste and look absolutely horrendous. The picture for this poll that was used I think is a very accurate.-- I hate it” (the picture shows a green blob). Food described in this way can’t be good for you. The quantities are also lacking. Before I switched to cold lunch, I found myself eating hot lunch. Not only is all of the meat pink, there is so little of it that you will find yourself getting hungry before school is out. The pints milk contain chewy bits inside and the fruit tastes like it was grown last year. While we can not prove that school food is toxic, we highly recommend avoiding it.
Crop Circle Found On School Grounds
On the date of January 21, 2016, a strange crop circle was found outside of a School. How was it formed? What does it mean? Is this a hoax? Read on and find out. Ethan B, who witnessed the formation of the crop circle, informed us that it was made by a large snowman. His interview revealed one more thing: the snowman went into the grass because it found that the road was too difficult to follow. This difficulty was obviously caused by the seemingly easy to navigate roundabouts that were recently installed nearby. Had the roundabout not been there, the snowman would never have left the road. And, as a result, Ethan would never have encountered the enormous snowman and would not be left in his traumatic state. Jansan, (who requested that she be called Mrs. Bond) had this to say about the crop circle, "That's a crop circle? Make sure you put a question mark in the?re." There are also multiple other theories about the crop circle's formation that differ from the eye witness account. For example, Trevor believes that it was made by aliens. Dustin believes that the crop circle was made by a Syrian prince. Mr. Wall believes that the crop circle lines up with the Latitude and Longitude lines of Illinois. He also believes that it is definitely some sort of message. We had our pilot(and human resources director), Jacob "JZ" D. engage in a fly-by of the area. This fly-by revealed that the crop circle was in fact part of a larger crop circle that formed the phrase, "shut up." JZ believes that the creator of the crop circle is angry at humans for allowing Miley Cyrus to "twerk."
Volcano Safety Procedures
This week, eighth graders have been working on earthquake safety procedures. This got me thinking, and I asked myself: why are we so unprepared for other potentially dangerous emergencies, such as volcanic eruption? As far as I could tell, we have absolutely no plan for when a volcano erupts. To get to the bottom of this, I interviewed celebrity teacher, Mr. Mckown. When interviewed he said that our lack of safety procedures scared him on a regular basis. However, many believe that volcano safety procedures are unnecessary due to our lack of volcanoes in proximity. In response, I ask you this: did the citizens of Pompeii know their was an active volcano nearby? If they had prepared precautionary measures, that tragedy would have been much less tragic. Just because we have no knowledge of volcanic danger does not mean we should be unprepared.
Just a Thought
I went to a McDonald’s last week and made a simple order. I ordered a sad meal. They said that they don’t have sad meals, and for that reason they could not serve me. Sad people need to eat too, yet McDonald’s utterly refuses to acknowledge their existence. This is cruel and unusual punishment that McDonald’s is inflicting upon its customers. We can not allow McDonald’s to discriminate not only against people who are sad, but against anyone who is an emotion other than happy. I am officially boycotting McDonald’s. I can not eat at a restaurant that openly tries to force happiness upon its customers. We need to end this tyranny against sad people around the world. I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me sad meal or give me death!