islandgame

You see an oceanic tornado in the distance. (I said oceanic tornado, not hurricane, deal with it). What type of boat are you in? (if: $testVar is 0)[ (set: $milSub to false)(set: $cruShi to false)(set: $carShi to false)(set: $cheBoa to false)(set: $shiBot to false)(set: $testVar to false)] (if: $milSub is false)[ [[Military Submarine]] ] (if: $cruShi is false)[ [[Cruise Ship]] ] (if: $carShi is false)[ [[Cargo Ship]] ] (if: $cheBoa is false)[ [[Cheese Boat]] ] (if: $shiBot is false)[ [[Ship in a Bottle]] ] (if: $milSub is true and $cruShi is true and $carShi is true and $cheBoa is true and $shiBot is true)[ [[Learn the Truth]] ]

You are in a submarine, you survive. But, you run out of fuel so you have to land on the nearby island. Where do you land? [[The Ground]] [[A Tree]] [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[The Volcano]]

You have been working on cargo ships your whole life, but somehow, you knew this trip was going to be different. As the oceanic tornado nears, the crew becomes increasingly anxious. The captain does not seem to care. Other members of the crew are planning a mutiny. You do not know yet where you want to align yourself. [[Join the Mutineers]] [[Inform the Captain]] [[Create Your Own Group]]

As the oceanic tornado nears the ship, your concern grows. Everyone else appears oblivious to the impending danger. You feel that you should alert the captain. [[Tell the Captain]] [[Escape in the Lifeboat]] [[Go to Sleep]] [[Eat a Donut]]

The Oceanic tornado smashes the bottle and the ship into tiny fragments. Also, you died (you were inside the boat.) What do you do next? [[Stay Dead]] [[Go up]] [[Go down]]

Your cheese boat is made of swiss cheese. You should summon all of your knowledge about cheese. What do you do next? [[Go out to Sea->Go out to Sea (CB)]] [[Give up->Give up (CB)]] [[Go out to See]] [[Go to Land]] Cheese knowledge can be found here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheese.

Uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but your boat sunk. Cheese does not float, especially not swiss cheese, which is what your boat was made of. [[Swim to Shore]]

You know you shouldn't give up, it's what every movie, book, or any other form of media has told you since childhood. However, with your extreme knowledge of cheese, you've realized that there is no way to succeed. Rather than going back to the beginning, you would rather sit around in self-pity sulking about how you were unable to win the cheese boat route. Conglaturations, please accept your prize on your way out!

As you drive the sub onto land, the nuclear generator ruptures. This causes an explosion that kills you.

Did you mean "beam me up, Skittle?" I like Skittles, apparently you do too. Anyway, you begin moving away from your current location. The lights (you are secretly the guy from The Truman Show) turn off. You travel directly into the slavering fangs of a grue.

Your submarine uses its fairy wings to fly out of the water and land in a tree. You survive the encounter. [[Stay in Submarine->Wait]] [[Commit Suicide]] [[Leave Submarine]]

You decide that the only logical course of action is to commit suicide. This was a very hard and heavy decision to make. You begin a light jog. You know your destination: the kitchen. As soon as you enter kitchen, you jump, while midair, you dab, and it is at that exact moment that you die(from the act of jumping in the kitchen, not the act of dabbing). [[Go Up->Kitchen]]

You are now in the kitchen and can see your dead body. Unfortunately, you glitch into the wall and get stuck there forever.

As you leave your cabin, you notice a box of Skittles. You feel the sudden urge to yell "Beam me up Skitty," but you resist this urge. You open the door to see a canopy of trees. You consider your options, but realize that your time is running out when the whole submarine starts a quick descent. It did not fall out of the tree, but the jolt brings you back to the reality of the dire situation you are in. How do you leave? [[Climb out of the Hatch on the Bottom]] [[Jump out of the Window]] [[Yell "Beam me up Skitty"->Beam me up Skitty]]

You begin to run so that you can jump with more force and maybe, just maybe, break the window. You finally jump after running up the length of the submarine (without disturbing the delicate balance that keeps your submarine on the tree) you jump. It is only after you jump, that you realize, with horror, that the submarine has no windows. You break a few bones when you collide with the heavy metal plating. You realize that if you had been just inch further to the right, you would have jumped onto the sharp metal that was stabbed into the wall after wind blew it there. You were so close to death. Also, you feel stupid for not taking advantage of the manual you were supplied with. You stand up and brush the dust off of your shirt, this causes the dirt to fly to the other side of the sub. When the dirt landed, it disrupted the delicate balance, which causes your submarine to fall from the trees. Your submarine hits the ground and becomes a crumpled heap of metal. Fortunately, you survive this accident. Unfortunately, the chain reaction that had been going on in the nuclear generator finally caused a nuclear explosion, this killed you. But, more importantly, it incinerated your skittles.

You land on the volcano, thankfully it is inactive. [[Jump in the Volcano]] [[Don't jump in the Volcano->Wait]] [[Talk to Narrator]]

You look around you before jumping into the volcano. After you jump, you fall for what seems like an eternity. Your thoughts turn to lunch as you realize that you have not eaten anything in the past few seconds. Then, it happened, you hit the ground, which produced a sickening crack that could only be the sound of your legs breaking. You begin to cry out in pain and agony. Then, you look down and see a mass of bubble wrap and realize that the crack you heard was not your bones. It was, in fact, the bubble wrap, and you are not in any sort of pain at all. You stop screaming at this moment. You look forward and see two different cave entrances. Above each entrance is some sort of plaque. At a glance, you think the signs are written in English. But, upon further inspection, you realize the signs are written in some sort of hieroglyphic language. However, on each sign, you can recognize three English letters. On your left: "YLE" and on your right: "LEX." YLE. It sounds like "aisle," that must be Wal-mart. they'll have food for you to eat, and maybe a way to escape. Lex. It reminds you of Lex Luthor. that must be Superman's house: the Fortress of Solitude. You'll use this knowledge to help you determine your course of action. A bag of Skittles falls from above as you are in deep thought. You now have the sudden urge to yell,"Beam me up, Skitty!" But, you resist this urge. [[Yell "beam me up Skitty"->Beam me up Skitty]] [[Go Left: YLE->YLE Entrance]] [[Go Right: LEX->LEX Entrance]]

'sup [[Not Much, 'sup with You]] [[Die, Filthy Narrator Scum!]] [[Just Landed on a Volcano with a Submarine, so That's Cool]] [[This Story is Full of Plotholes]]

With one fell swoop, you attack the narrator and they fall to the floor defeated. You don't know what you attacked him with, where he was, or if there is even a floor where he is at, but you know that you have finally won. Or at least that would be what happened, if the narrator didn't control the story, and also the choices available to you, and is clearly several times more intelligent than you. And then you died. BECAUSE THE NARRATOR SAID SO!

Yeah . .. ... *akward silence* [[Strike up Another Conversation]] [[Ask If He Likes Skittles]] [[Talk to Him about Your Immense Knowledge of Seatbelts]]

You died from debraincellitis, inflicted upon you by the narrator, but not before the narrator said one last thing: "You don't what are."

Did you hear about that new Atari console? [[I Have]] [[I Have Not]]

The narrator informs you that they do, in fact, like Skittles. Then you say [[Beam me up Skitty]]

Did you just assume the narrator's gender? You die, now.

You are walking through the city streets when a man walks up to you and offers you the latest energy drink. "Run faster, jump higher," he says. What do you do? [[Drink it]] [[THROW IT ON THE GROUND]] [[Respectfully Decline]] [[Turn around->LEX Entrance]]

After all, who better to help you get off of this wet rock in the middle of the sea than Superman? He can fly. You see a light at the end of the tunnel. You don't know what the light is. Perhaps the cave opens up on a beach, or maybe, just maybe, you're dying. With your luck, you're probably already dead, and this is just what heaven is like. A box of cryptic website pages, written by someone whose English skills are minimal. It doesn't matter anyway, you sped up, hoping to leave the cave's rank stench. You reach the end of the tunnel and you see what looks like buildings. Must your eyes be deceiving you so? How could anyone live in this terrible place? But you do know one thing for a fact: Superman isn't here. What do you do? [[Turn around->YLE Entrance]]

You feel the poison in your veins, what do you do? [[Commit Sudooku]]

He must think you're a joke. You're not going to be part of his system, man. You tell him to pump that poison in another person's veins. [[Go to that hotdog stand you see in distance]]

Due to some convoluted chain of events that happened when you weren't paying attention, you are now getting married to Count Sudooku by Palpatine. You hear something in the distance that sounds something like a whiny teenager. Then you see it, a wild Anakin Skywalker appears. This wild Anakin Skywalker appears differently than others you have seen, this one appears to be approximately 95 kilograms and appears to have been launched over 300 meters using a counterweight. But you have no pokeballs to catch it. It immediately engages Count Sudooku in Mortal Kombat. After a few minutes of fighting, the Anakin is in a completely advantageous situation, only Deus ex Machina could save Sudooku now. Palpatine tells the Anakin to kill Sudooku, but he says "no." But then, at the utterance of the words "do it," Anakin's perspective on life, the universe, and everything changes and he decides it is acceptable to kill Sudooku, and subsequently decapitates Sudooku. His head topples to the floor, expressionless. You fall to your knees and catch your breath. You look over at Palpatine and noticed that Palpatine had been eaten by Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf. Shia then puts on the One Ring, but you only know that because when he jumps onto the Anakin's back, the Shia's arms pass through the blades, removing that particular set of arms. The removal of his arms makes said arms, the One Ring, and the Shia visible once more. But it is too late for the Anakin, for the Shia had already removed a sizeable chunk of the Anakin's jugular vein. As Anakin's body succumbs to gravity, one of the lightsabers hit the ground in such a way that it is turned off and rolls to your feet. It is at this moment, that a splatter of blood lands on, and ruins, your suit. This causes you to scream. You find immediately afterward, that girly screams, like the one you had just emitted, are the mating call of the Shia LaBeouf, but it is too late for you. The Shia is rushing towards you, without thinking, you pick up the lightsaber and turn it on. But, since you weren't thinking, you were holding it wrong and cut off your leg. You quickly turn around the lightsaber, and not a moment too late, for the Shia lands right on the blade. You get up and take off your blood-stained coat. Afterall, just because witnessed several murders and committed one yourself, doesn't mean you shouldn't look your best. You limp into the dark woods, Blood oozing from your stump leg. But you have won. You have beaten Shia LaBeouf. But wait, he isn't dead, Shia Surprise, he turns into an agent. It is at this moment that you realize you are the two, not the one, but the two. You move as the agent does, and get into a fight with him. He eventually knocks you onto the ground, and you are having difficulties getting up, it is at this moment that he utters the following: "Why, Mr. Bemis? Why, why, why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Bemis. Vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Bemis. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Bemis? Why? Why do you persist?" It is at this moment that you get up and say in a very anticlimactic manner, "Because I choose to." It is at this moment that the agent realizes that it, a computer program, has more facial expressions than you, a human, does. This causes a fatal error in the Matrix, which ends the process "Agent.exe." You are not sure what to do without anything to fight, and you start to wish you had something to do. It is at this moment, that you see something in the distance and black wings become unfurled. You pay closer attention and notice exactly what is flying in the distance. Behold: Alduin, Bane of Kings, ancient shadow unbound, With a hunger to swallow the world. You realize that you don't know Dragonrend you don't have Dragonbane, and you have no armor, so you are pretty much screwed. But then, a flying Deus Ex Machina appears. Then you realize, that the Deus Ex Machina is not yours, it is Alduin's and you realize how screwed you are. You now have a flashback to your time back at school, o how you regret not taking the "Defense Against Deus Ex Machina" class. Luckily, your housecarl, Lydia, did in fact, take "Defense Against Deus Ex Machina," she draws a sword, which turns into a Deus Ex Machina that is aligned with your faction. The Dei ex Machina engage in combat, causing yet another glitch in the Matrix. This times, all processes are killed except for a select few. Thankfully, the program "you.exe" is still operating. [[Open Task Manager]]

What do you want to see? Also, your sail has an image on it that is reminiscent of a bag of Skittles. [[I Meant Go out to "Sea"]] [[Take in the sights]]

You swim to land, dragging the cheese boat with you. As you drag the boat onto the land, you see a bag of Skittles. You, upon closer inspection, realize that the bag of Skittles is, in fact, a crab. This gives you the urge to yell “beam me up Skitty.” However, you resist. What do you do next? [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Eat the Cheese Boat]] [[Get Crabs]]

The grammar nazis come and promptly extinguish you for your error.

It was very difficult to eat all of the cheese boat, but you managed. The cheese made you very thirsty. Also, you’re lactose intolerant, so you don’t feel well. Also, you wish you had Skittles. This wish makes a bag of Skittles in front of you. This random spawning of Skittles gives you the urge to yell “beam me up, skitty.” However, you resist this urge. Now what? [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Investigate Area->Investigate Area CB]] [[Eat Skittles]]

As you investigate the area, you see a room labeled "SCP 173." You decide to enter the room. A small amount of dust gets in your eye. [[Blink]] [[Don't Blink]]

The Skittles move away from you as you try to reach for them, this gives you the urge to yell “beam me up, skitty.” However, you resist this urge. Now what? [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Investigate area->Investigate Area CB]] [[Ignore Skittles]] [[Eat the skittles]]

This makes the skittles enraged. Being enraged gives the Skittles +20% damage, but also gives them -10% damage resistance. [[Use Calm on the Skittles]] [[Challenge the Skittles to a Duel]] [[Fite da Skittlez]]

Once again, the Skittles move away from you as you reach toward them. You begin to chase the Skittles as they lead you up a pathway. They deceptively led you up that path, it was so easy to follow. They lured you out to a cliff and jumped off. You drew breath once more and jumped. You, in that exact moment, calculated the different outcomes of jumping off the cliff. Common sense told you that you would likely die on impact. But, you knew that would not happen, you’ve played enough Assassin’s Creed to know that that is not how the laws of physics work. You knew that all you had to do to survive the fall is to land in water or in a haystack or to kill someone as you hit the ground. What you failed to consider, however, was that you would land on the pathway after jumping; and, as it so happens, that pathway is not made of water. You considered the fact that a pile of hay would be unlikely, and you didn’t see any piles of leaves(which can substitute for a pile of hay in a pinch). So you then have two options: kill the Skittles, or accept your fate. This situation gives you the urge to yell “beam me up, skitty,” but you resist. You are faced with a difficult decision. [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Kill skittles]] [[Accept Your Mortality]]

As you decide to kill the Skittles, the Skittles have the same realization you did. But, the Skittles are your dad, a Templar grandmaster, a former spy, and they have a map of all the assassin camps, so you die.

As you are falling, you spread your arms and legs and hit the ground in a very anticlimactic belly flop. [[Requiescat in Pace]]

As you are dead, you realize one thing. Every time this game mentions Skittles something bad almost always happens.

On your way to the captain, you are eaten by a zombie. YOU DEAD! Congratulations, You have been dead for(set: $seconds to 0) {(live: 1s)[ $seconds (set: $seconds to it + 1) ] } seconds You are dead. Dead people can't read. Act more dead. You are obviously not very good at this. Why do you continue reading? Do you expect to find something hidden in this? I don't think there will be. I guess only time will tell.

As the lifeboat lowers into the water, the lifeboat realises its impending doom, and escapes on you. The lifeboat, riding you on your back, takes you to an island. Once it arrives safely on the island, the boat leaves you for dead. You look upon your surroundings and see that a bag of Skittles left the boat for dead. The boat angered by this turn of events, realises how annoying your face is and starts to charge at you, prepared to kill its prey. [[Let the Boat Kill You]] [[Beg for Mercy]]

You wake to a large explosion sound. It seems as if the secret cargo the military loaded onto the ship has exploded. As you become increasingly conscious of your surroundings, you realize that the oceanic tornado was just a dream. However, the situation grows increasingly alarming as you hear sirens and see lights flashing. A group of armed personnel run down the hall as you ask a guard what is happening. He has the most scared look you have ever seen on anyone's face before. He whispers, after checking for other people who might hear, "You better leave the ship now, or the only way you're leaving is in a coffin." He begins creeping away at an elevated pace towards the lifeboats. [[Do as He Says]] [[Try to Assist the Soldiers]] [[Go Back to Sleep]] [[Find a Coffin]]

As you are eating the donuts you hear a loud crash and an alarm in the distance. The ship has gone into lockdown and, you are now trapped in the kitchen with all the donuts you need. All the time you need. What do you do next? [[Leave through the Vent]] [[Continue Eating Donuts, You Love Donuts, but Your Wife and Your Boss Don't Let You Eat Them. You Told Them That You Can't Live Without Donuts but They Insist on Preventing You From Eating Donuts.]]

You join the mutineers, who decide that overthrowing the captain would either be done by force, or through a vote. You hear rumors that there is a traitor amongst traitors and you feel you should leave at your first chance. [[Murder the Captain in His Sleep]] [[Reveal Yourself As The Traitor]]

You go to the captain's cabin and inform him of the impending mutiny. The captain instructs everyone else to exit the cabin immediately, he then passes on to you this message: "I know of this mutiny because I am the mutiny." He proceeds to tell you that this was his plan to get rid of Joe. Joe is a very annoying person who is only on the boat because he was stranded. The captain plans to make Joe "Captain for a day" and have the mutiny occur on that day. When the mutiny occurs, they will kill Joe, thinking he is the captain, and make the Captain captain again, thinking he is Joe. After the captain finishes talking, he pulls out a bag of Skittles, this gives you the urge to yell "Beam me up, Skitty!" You resist the urge. [[Tell Joe]] [[Help the Captain]] [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Ask for Skittles]]

You decide the only solution to the problem, is to create your own group, called "the ChickenLegs". You kept the group a secret because you were worried one of them would steal your donut. Sadly, they stole it anyway. It was your last donut. Your group calls for a vote to decide on what to do. How do you vote? [[Avenge the Donut]] [[Steal all of the Leninade]] [[Vote for New Leader]]

You tell the other mutineers that you were planning on killing all of them before they could kill the captain. Of course, you have at least a tenth of a brain, and told the captain about the mutineers. You revealing yourself was all part of the plan, for just as you were getting killed, the captain kills the mutineers. Your death was a necessary loss.

You discover that everyone else has died. You now have all the time you need. All the time you need to eat your donuts. You lay out donuts, donuts that will last for several years. Just as you reach for another donut, your teeth fall out. You can't help but yell, "That's not fair. That's not fair at all. There was time now. There was—was all the time I needed…! It's not fair! It's not fair!" You begin crying profusely. You hear a voice, a voice you've heard only once before, it begins a monologue, "The best-laid plans of mice and men...and Henry Bemis(your name)...the small man with the big belly who wanted nothing but time. Henry Bemis, now just a part of a smashed landscape, just a piece of the rubble, just a fragment of what man has deeded to himself. Mr. Henry Bemis...in the Twilight Zone."

As you go through the vent, a blast door slams shut, decapitating you instantly. You clearly did not pay as much attention to the announcement of the lockdown procedure as you thought you did. YOU DEAD!

You follow him to the lifeboats and you escape with the guard. As the boat is lowered, you remember the fact that there is an oceanic tornado in the vicinity. You show the guard, and he says, "have no fear," and shoots the oceanic tornado into submission.

As you go with the soldiers, you arrive at the secret cargo. A hole has been blown in the side of the ship and robots armed with machine guns emerge from the hole. As you reach for your gun you pause. You've never owned a gun, why would you have one now? The robots hammer down on the soldiers with their miniguns. You seem awfully detached from this whole event. You look down and see blood spewing from multiple holes. You try to think of some sort of dramatic last words, words that might make you be remembered for years. But all you can manage is silence and you die, unnoticed by anyone else.

The ship sinks while you sleep. Pity.

Where do you look? [[The Coffin Storage Area]] [[The Office]] [[The Coffin That is Literally in Front of You]] [[The Cheese Boat]] [[Under the Salad Bar]]

As you are getting stabbed, you turn around and shoot the traitor and pass out. Somehow, you know that you didn't just pass out, you dead. You have passed into a sleep from which you will never wake up (set: $sec to 0) (live: 1s)[ (set: $sec to it + 1) (if: $sec >= 20)[ [[Wake Up.]] ] ]

Oh hey, what do you know? You are still alive. You are one persistent fella, I tell you what. Anyhoo, there be a bag o' Skittlez, this gives you the urge to yell "Beam me up Skitty," and whatnot. There a crab scuttlin' about, and uh, oh yeah, you on an island now. You look around and notice the dead bodies of others that had fallen in your little mutiny, and realise that you must have been dumped. You check the bodies and notice something strange, the body of that traitor you shot, Joneis, is not present. You convince yourself that he is still alive, but when a wave carries a body offshore, you become equally convinced that he is dead. After a few minutes, you realise how thirsty you are. [[Get a Drink]] [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Sleep Again]]

You, having noticed that the last donut had been stolen, decided to exact your revenge upon the others. You go to sleep, and the next day, a party is hosted on board. Everyone attends. You decide to kill everyone on board, one by one, that you might have your revenge. [[Start with Larry]] [[Publicly Denounce Everyone on Board]] [[Blow up the Ship and Walk away without Looking at the Explosion]] [[Start with Henry]]

While everyone is sleeping, you sneak into the storeroom. You steal all of the bottles of Leninade and replace them with fake bottles. Also, the fake bottles are full of the blood of your enemies. You aren't sure how you filled them, or why you have fake bottles.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You begin walking down the hallway and follow the signs to the coffin storage area. On your way, you notice a bag of Skittles, this gives you the urge to yell "Beam me up, Skitty!" You resist this urge and continue. As you approach the door to the coffin storage area, you see a large lock on the door. And to its right, a precarious sign that said "No entry." Now what? [[Knock Down the Sign]] [[Karate Chop the Lock]] [[Curl up in a Corner]] [[Beam me up Skitty]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You jump onto the guard's back and begin to pry open the coffin. The guard shouts, "Back off, that coffin's mine," he proceeds to pull out his gun and kill you.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Corner machine broke.

You knock down the sign. The door swings open. You notice a bag of M&Ms on the ground. This gives you the urge to yell, "Beam me up, Mandm." As you procede into the coffin storage area you notice a line formin behind you. You get the sense that the guard may have not have been very quiet about only being able to leave in coffins. [[Beam me up, Mandm]] [[Cut Line]] [[Try on a Coffin]] [[Go to the Back of the Line]] [[Enter the Room and Lock the Door behind You]]

You hear a small click, turns out it was just your hand breaking, not the lock. You see a bag of skittles, this gives you the urge to yell, beam me up, skitty, but you resist. Your broken hand shatters into pieces.You now only have one hand remaining, now what? [[Karate Chop the Lock Again]] [[Curl up in a Corner]] [[Beam me up Skitty]]

Why tell Joe? [[His Good Looks]] [[His Three-Lettered Name]] [[His Soul]]

You ask the captain if you could have some Skittles. He gives you a puzzled expression before saying "sure." You, upon receiving the Skittles, immediately shove them into your mouth. The captain says, "I don't think you should eat that many at once your first time." As the Skittles enter your mouth, they have an odd flavor. A flavor reminiscent of cyclosarin, chlorine, cyanide and -- rainbows? As you consume the Skittles, you begin to feel like you are dying, of course, after consuming that much poison you are pretty much screwed. You don't even bother asking for an antidote, you know that the captain doesn't have any antidote, that's the secret to his immortality.

You see a bag of Skittles, I think you know what that means. Which lock do you want to karate chop? [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[The Correct Lock]] [[The Wrong Lock]] [[Wait, Why Didn't You Say Something about Multiple Locks Earlier‽]]

You ask too many questions; therefore, you must die. And so it is.

You karate chop the lock again using your remaining hand. The lock shatters, and you hear something that sounds strangely like omae wa mou shindeiru, and your hand shatters. Now handless, you look around and see a bag of skittles, this gives you the urge to yell "beam me up skitty," but you resist. The door, now with lock broken, swings open. Now what? [[Enter Coffin Storage Area->Enter the Room and Lock the Door behind You]] [[Find Hand Doctor]] [[Collect Pieces of Now Shattered Hands]] [[Wait]] [[Collect Pieces of Now Shattered Lock]] [[Beam me up Skitty]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You have no hands, duh. What do you think you're doing? Also, a military submarine explodes, killing you.

[[Wait]]

Shattered lock added to inventory. (set: $Lock to "The shattered pieces of a lock you karate chopped")

Nothing really, just deciding the fate of some dumb mortal. [[Hey, I Just so Happen to be that Mortal, and I'm not Dumb!]]

You are on the South side of an island. You see a bottle labeled "solidifier." Also, you're undead (the ghost kind, not the zombie kind, undead zombies are stupid.) [[Drink Solidifier]] [[Go down]] [[Go up]] [[Explore Area]] [[Go up Again]]

As you are drinking the solidifier, you become a statue. Being a statue severely limits your options. Now what? [[Leave the Island]]

Down is only a relative term that means where gravity is pulling the most. By going down, you go down to where gravity is strongest(which is currently a black hole), enjoy your second death, this time brought to you by spaghettification.

As you are walking around, you encounter a pod of dolphins, they seem pretty nice. You also find a bag of Skittles, which gives you the urge to yell "Beam me up Skitty," so that's nice. You also find a towel, some palm trees, and a toothpick. You also notice that this beach is unusually sandy and that the water was abnormally liquid-like. Also, the oceanic tornado was made of paper mache. [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Eat Pod of Dolphins]] [[Ask the Pod of Dolphins for Assistance Getting Home]] [[Drink the Abnormally Liquid-like Water]]

You're silly, statues can't move. The local wildlife uses you as a scratching post and you live for an eternity, seeing the world around you evolve and change. Your existence no longer has any meaning at all to the rest of the world. Eventually, nuclear warfare ensues, and you are destroyed.

You ascend and become a God, somehow you know that if you ascend further, you will gain more Godly powers. As you are in the air, you see a cloud shaped like a bag of Skittles, this gives you the urge to yell beam me up Skitty, but you resist. Watchu do now? [[Go up Further]] [[Command People to Be Your Followers]] [[Influence the Weather]] [[Godly Beam Me up Skitty]]

You are ascending further and you become a more powerful god. However, the Tetris God sees you, and he doesn't like the way you're looking at him, so he kills you.

They don't listen.

What do you want it to do? [[Rain]] [[Snow]] [[Make a Hurricane]] [[Make an Oceanic Tornado]] [[Make Cloudy]] [[Remove Cloud]] [[Lightning Storm]] [[Make Oceanic Tornado over Land]]

You summon Rain; he is very annoyed. He kills you.

You are incapable of controlling snow, and bury yourself. You may be a god, but you still need Oxygen. Also, it was too hot for snow to exist, so the snow was actually just extra wet water.

The weather becomes a hairy cane. That's what you wanted, right? What do you do with want to do with the hairy cane? [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Eat Hairy Cane]] [[Activate Hairy Cane's Effect]] [[Tribute Hairy Cane to Summon Soitsu]]

The wind accelerates, and an oceanic tornado is formed. You see a bag of skittles, this gives you the urge to yell beam me up skitty, but you resist. Now what? [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Make Tornado Go to Island]] [[Make Tornado Rekt That Ship in the Distance]]

The clouds make you humanesque, and you splatter on the ground.

The cloud removes you.

You spawn in a storm with lots of lighting. Somebody makes a Fortnite reference. This causes you to die.

You die of stupidity.

The tornado doesn't feel like doing that.

The oceanic tornado proceeds to rekts that ship. As it's approaching, you realize that the ship is a ship in a bottle. You seem to remember being on a ship in a bottle not too long ago. It would be a shame if the person inside ascends three turns later and kills you. [[Wait Exactly Three Turns]] [[Wait Exactly Π Turns]] [[Get Followers]]

The purveyor says, "This is the only stand on the island, so it is reasonable to believe that this is your favorite hot dog stand on the island, since it is the only one, and you would probably come here all the time if you had been here for more than a few minutes, so here's one for free." [[Eat it]] [[You Aren't a Charity Case, So You Take it and THROW IT ON THE GROUND]]

You thank the stand owner for the hotdog as you take a bite. As you eat the hot dog, everyone begins to think you are a charity case and start giving you free stuff. At some point, you were aggrandized to kingship and wert a benevolent king, but someone else wanted to be king. So you were killed.

You don't need his handouts, you're an adult. He can't buy you a hotdog, man. [[Go to What Appears to be a Farmer's Market with What Appears to be Your So-called Girlfriend]]

She hands you her cellphone, says it's your dad. [[That's Not Your Dad, It's Her Cellphone. THROW IT ON THE GROUND.]] [[Take Cell Phone]]

What does she think, that you're stupid? You're'nt a part of her system. Your dad's not a phone. Duh! [[Check out That Birthday Party in the Distance]]

You answer the cell phone, causing the detonation of a bomb, and subsequently, your death.

As you are approaching the party, some poser walks up to you and hands you a cake. You ask him, "Watchu want me to do with this? Eat it?" [[Eat The Cake]] [[HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GROUND]]

You threw the cake slice on the ground. You threw the rest of the cake too. That kid has been welcomed to the real world. [[Find More Things to Throw on the Ground]]

So many things to throw on the ground. Like <a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/cb/Replica_catapult.jpg/220px-Replica_catapult.jpg">this</a>, and <a href="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/RVO5RBy4_Ak/hqdefault.jpg">this</a>, and <a href="https://google.com">that</a>, and even <a href="https://happywheelsnow.com/upload/imgs/slope.png">this</a>. You're an adult. [[Go to That Table Over There, it Appears to Have Some Hollywood Phonies.]]

The two Hollywood phonies offer you their autograph, what do you do? [[GROUND!]] [[Accept the Autograph]]

As you sit, there, in wait, the person inside the ship in a bottle ascends and kills you. You thought you were prepared, but nothing could have prepared for TJ.

As you see an ascended God come towards you, the animus glitches from your waiting exactly Π turns and turns him into a block of cheese. You pick him up and take a bite; and at this moment, animus glitches again and you are permanently stuck eating the same block of cheese for the rest of eternity. [[Keep eating cheese]]

To get followers, you need more power. [[Get More Power]]

Being a god does not protect from the slavering fangs of a grue and now you are dead.

As you are trying to get followers, the person who was on the ship in a bottle you destroyed ascends and kills you.

You take a bite out of the cheese and it grows back. You know that your brain is deteriorating while you are in this simulation. [[Keep eating cheese]]

You can't normal summon twice in one turn. The very official rules that you are following dictate that if you try to summon twice in one turn, play passes to the player on your right. They have a bag of Skittles on the field. This gives the urge to yell beam me up, Skitty, but you resist. [[Double-click This Passage to Edit It]] [[Learn about the Cheat Code]] [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Pass the Play to the Player on Your Right]] [[Wait, Who's the Other Player on the Right?]] [[Transform into an Ancient Egyptian Pharoah Using Some Random Puzzle You Got at the Dollar Tree]] [[Time Wizard. Just Time Wizard]] [[Reverse Engineer the Wheel]] [[Turn this Game into a Shadow Game]] [[Throw Pokeball]] [[Summon Magikarp]] [[Summon Deoxys]] [[Summon Carbuncle]] [[Reveal Your 23 Pieces of Exodia]] [[Why is There So Many Options?]] [[Equip Your 34 Golden Rules to the Bag of Skittles]] [[Use Throw Voice]] [[Autograph That Guy's Trading Cards Using Your Pen]] [[Tell them That Bor Gullet Will Know the Truth]] [[Use FLUDD to Spray Them with Water]] [[Spawn in with the Dual Berettas]] [[Slav Squat on a Bench]] [[Threaten to Kill Yourself if You Lose the Duel]] [[Watch Those Wrist Rockets]] [[Gain the High Ground]] [[Gain the Low Ground]] [[Use Dragon Rend]] [[Feel Yourself Accelerating]] [[Activate Pot of Greed]] [[Pray to the Pudding Demon]] [[Option 31]] [[Realize That the One Named "Option 31" is Actually Option 29]] [[Get D-mocked]] [[Have Your Opponent Define Postulate 420-69]] [[Ask Them to Give Food, as You Have None]] [[Kosovo je Srbija]] [[Equip Ushanka]] [[Equip Capirote]] [[No]] [[Subscribe to Gamerdude 146]] [[Pray to Tetris God]] [[Steal TJ's Box]] [[Inform Your Opponent That You are the Elected Legislative Authority]] [[Tribute Hairy Cane the Second from Your Deck to Buy a Limestone Shirt]] [[Give up on Humanity]] [[Activate the Seal of Orichalcos]] [[Submit Your High Score in This Game to the Authorities at Farfetched News]] [[Inform Your Opponent That All Their Base Are Belong To Us]] [[Listen to "Crab Rave"]] [[Join Bomb Squad]] [[Bet all Your Money on 254]] [[Install Linux on a Chromebook]] [[Become Death]] [[Try out the Latest VR Technology]] [[Wait Like Five More Seconds]] [[Break the Law]] [[Play the Maze Game]] [[Write an Article for Farfetched News]] [[Notice that your Opponent has Airpods]] [[Insert Dab]] [[Win the Mexican Lottery]] [[Sharpen your Dull Pencil]] [[Reference Mickey Mouse]] [[Get your Copy of the Black Horse Courrier]] [[Play Games on your Chromebook]] [[Get Fourth Place]] [[Let them Win]] [[Hit them with the Whip and Nae Nae]] [[Talk about the Bullymongs]] [[69]]

You activate Hairy Cane's effect, it reads as follows: Once per turn, during any player's turn, you may lose the duel. If you activate this effect, your opponent wins. This causes you to lose, and as a result, you are banished to the Shadow Realm.

You pass the play to the player, but then he plays the "reverse" card, reversing the play. You still lose and then die.

You just asked a question about the idiot, thus making you the idiot. You die of an embarrassment.

You suddenly become the best at everything and everyone begins to celebrate you. You are then dubbed the "king of games" and are subsequently struck down by a bolt of lightning exactly phi seconds later.

Time Wizard lets you win the duel; however, winning the duel causes a scenario where you would expect the Spanish Inquisition, so a version of you from the future comes back to kill you. As per Section 3, Article 2, Clause 9 of the Rules of Existence.

You begin attempting to reverse engineer the wheel, but quickly realize that that is impossible, and give up. Unfortunately for you, giving up has been prohibited as of five seconds ago, and you are punished with death.

It already was, so your opponent laughs at your stupidity and continues until he has laughed you to death.

You throw a Pokeball at your opponent, capturing them within. Unfortunately for you, they broke out, and, having been made mad by your attempted capture, obliterate a moving you with an exodia while jumping off a horse.

You summon a Magikarp, foolishly thinking that you could control its godly power. You can't. Everything is destroyed.

Deoxys says no.

Your 23 pieces of Exodia are all Left Legs of the Forbidden One. The mysterious player on your right takes his turn, summons a rank 13 Mirror Force by activating pot of greed, and destroys your remaining life point (apparently you only had one).

Because we said so. You asked something you should not have; prepare to be scronched.

Your opponent casts a confused gaze upon you as you summon a precious gem. A bandit promptly steals the gem and slowly stabs you while everyone watches.

The move is invalid, you fail, and, having thus failed, into exile you must go.

You use throw voice, which makes your opponent think that there is a person behind them, so they shoot behind them. The bullet ricochets off of a wall and kills you.

You approach him and take out your pen. You begin signing his cards one by one, but your pen runs out of ink before you are able to sign the last card, the fourth and final copy of Blue Eyes White Dragon. Having run out of ink, you take out your other pen and click the button, this clicking of the button reveals that the pen is not a pen, but it is, in fact, a magical sword. The sword cuts the card in half, giving the guy a heart attack and leaving you with all three existing copies of Blue eyes Green Dragon. The guy's grandson approaches, and the grandson steals his grandfather's trading cards, completely ignoring the fact that he is dying. Naturally, you are now the kid's rival. The kid, completely ignoring his dying grandfather, challenges you to a duel of the fates. You say, "You will try," and activate your lightsaber, which is still blue, despite you now being a sith lord of the sand. This duel goes on for the next ten minutes, but you realize that you need enough content to fill a thirty-minute timeslot, so you have a flashback to that time when you accidentally destroyed some old guy's trading card with a sword. The grandkid reveals himself to be the sith lord you had been looking for, and tells you that the duel is over, for he has the high ground. But then you realize something, the existence of the Jedi temple unbalanced the force because there was more Jedi than sith, so the only option was to kill the Jedi. As one of the Jedi, but not a Jedi master, who is also a sith lord, you feel very conflicted. You are jerked back to reality and realize that you need to respond to the prompt your opponent has supplied you. Having been thus prompted and brought back to reality, you supply your response, "You underestimate my power." Your opponent then informs you that it would be inadvisable to try it and you should not make your attempt. You then make your attempt, activating pot of greed, which allows you to draw two cards, and this adds three more pieces of Exodia to your hand, then you discard three pieces of Exodia, allowing you to special summon three Tricky's, instead of winning by the effect of Exodia. Having three level fives on the field allows you to XYZ summon CXyz Comics Hero Legend Arthur. You activate Pot of the Greediness, which changes the attack of all face-up monsters to zero. You attack his monster, which has an original attack of infinity, and destroy it. You then activate the effect of CXyz Comics Hero Arthur, which inflicts damage to your opponent equal to the original attack of the monster destroyed by battle, in this case, infinity. Your opponent then activates Rainbow Life, which causes the damaging effect to heal your opponent instead. Your opponent, now with infinite life points, laughs at your stupidity. You activate Self-destruct Button, which requires that you have a 7000 lifepoint difference between you and your opponent, since the difference is infinity, this condition is met. So now your card is about to activate and cause a draw. But your opponent activates Deus ex Machina the First, which negates any and everything you have ever done. But you activate Uninteresting Plot Twist, which causes the duel to swing in your favor. But you opponent activated Deu ex Machina the Second: The Mind Crushes. This causes your opponent to win by the effect of Exodia, and forces them to shout "mind crush," which causes you to go into a state of disillusionment. Having lost the duel, you yell, "I hate you!" as the lava is burning you. How could this be any worse, you thought. The answer to this question is revealed almost immediately after this thought flashes across your mind, as your opponent throws out a Pokeball and shouts, "Go Pikaman!" Not sure what to do, you fumble around your belt, and throw a Pokeball. Blast it all! It's Magikarp #4, that one doesn't know Hyper Beam. The Pikaman approaches Magikarp #4 and takes out your Magikarp with a single palm thrust. You throw out another Pokeball and you unleash the wrath of Magikarp number 6. This one does know Hyper Beam. Your Magikarp unleashes its Hyper Beam but Pikaman deflects it with another palm thrust, the beam hits a rock off to the side and disintegrates it. Realizing that you are very quickly running out of options, you use splash, but immediately afterwards realize that it only makes a difference if your Magikarp uses it. Pikaman will have none of your nonsense and finishes off your Magikarp with a single backfist. You now have one pokemon remaining because the others were knocked out when you were trying to catch the Senate, but it ended up using treason, which one-shots three of your pokemon in a quick succession. You ended up getting launched out of the window from a lightning attack after having your hand cut off by a bystander. You throw out your last Pokeball, summoning your final pokemon, Double-0 Karp. Double-0 Karp uses struggle, after all, you won't improve if you don't struggle. Pikaman, being tired of your nonsense, uses his Z-move: Final Smash Beast Pikamanondorf. He transforms to his final form and somehow you know that his attack power is over 9000, but that should be impossible. You look in awe as Beast Pikamanondorf completely shreks Double-0 Karp. You fall to your knees, defeated. You hear a voice in the background say "Good, good. Kill him." Your opponent then replies, "I can't" which is met with "Do it" - "I shouldn't" - "Do it" - "It's not the Jedi Pharoah grandson sith lord way" - "Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it." He takes your lightsaber and his, and sets himself up to decapitate you, he then throws a Pokeball at you: a successful capture! After a quick internet search, he discovers that you have bad stats and moves and have no redeeming qualities. There are literally Magikarp and Sunkerns with better stats than you. But you do evolve at level 666. So he puts you in the daycare, where you spend your time with a bunch of Magikarps, playing "Let's Execute Order 66," "Slaughter the Younglings, now with the Women and Children Too!," and "Guess What the Effect of Pot of Greed is" for the rest of eternity.

You jump onto a platform above your opponent. You don't what to say, then you have a flashback to that time that you had the low ground and a sith lord had the high ground. In this flashback, the words you need to say are revealed to you: It's over, I have the high ground. They inform you of your underestimation of their power, which moves you to tell them that they should not attempt whatever it is they are planning. They then jump, doing a 920-degree spin midair as they slice you into an uncountable and immeasurable number of pieces. They inform that you were the one singular one who had been selected. They tell you that it has been stated that you would destroy the area of higher elevation, not become one with the area of higher elevation. That you would bring balance to the distribution of elevations not leave in a state that is the opposite of light. As they are walking away and you are burning in the lava, you inform them of your gross dislike of them. They, having picked up your laser-edged weapon in the shape and style of a saber, turn around and inform you that they had close metaphorical familial bonds to you, that they had metaphorically loved you. You once more inform them of your gross dislike of them as they are walking away. They then readjust their orientation within the x, y, and z-axes, that they may be able to observe and view upon the consumption of your body by the flames from the molten rock that is in a close proximity to the space in which you are currently residing.

You easily gain the low ground. You are unsure why you thought gaining the low ground would help, as it has no tactical advantages. You end up overestimating your power and dying.

You use dragon rend on your opponent, but nothing happens since they are not a dragon. You die of shame.

You are unable to comprehend the speed at which the universe is accelerating. Your head explodes as a result.

You begin to watch those wrist rockets, but you are too busy watching the wrist rockets that you are unable to watch those supers, and you get killed with tri-shot.

He lets you kill yourself after defeating you. He didn't really like you that much anyway.

You sit down on a bench, but a scale was installed on it and rigged to explode whenever someone gets on it. You've been bamboozled. Your opponent goes on to write a book How Squatting Can Ruin Your Life. It sells for millions.

"Firing two large-mag Berettas at once will lower accuracy and increase load times. On the bright side, you'll get to fire two large-mag Berettas at once." You aren't sure why you're in a different place than a few seconds ago, or why you have these guns. You then promptly get killed by someone with an aimbot.

Your opponents gets slightly wet and more than slightly annoyed. They proceed to launch a rocket at you, and you die on impact.

At the utterance of those words, a mass of tentacles emerges, and begins searching for the truth. As the mass moves around, you remember what your uncle John told you, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." At that moment, the mass realizes that you have the truth, and that it will know it, so it sets its gaze upon you. At the moment that it exerts its powers upon you, you remember the warning label that you entirely ignored: "The unfortunate side effect, - is that one tends to lose one's mind."

The pudding demon you are attempting to reach is unavailable at this time. If you believe you are receiving this message in error, please check your prayer and try again.

We don't know what this does. Neither do you. So we're just going to make you win. Congratulations. {get username} has won the internet!

Your opponent disproves your existence using postulate 420-69.

Your opponent begins to utter their definition of postulate 420-69, they open their mouth and say, "You don't exist." You are horrified, you ask for a proof, and they inform you that is proved by the definition of postulate 420-69. You challenge him by telling him that that proof is not sufficient, to which he says, "Proof by axiom." Being neither able to prove nor disprove the axiom, you begin to fade. You are an anomaly. No anomalies may exist within the program. The program is determined by mathematical and logical functions, but you are illogical. The system terminates you. A case of mistaken identity or a nightmare turned inside out? A simple loss of memory or the end of the world? Henry Bemis may never find the answer, but you can be sure he's looking for it in the Twilight Zone.

They feel bad for you, and give you food. Upon receiving the food, you realise that you must compensate them, so you give all of your other food. Unfortunately for you, that means you are left only with the chocolate bar they gave you as food, and you die several days later of starvation.

Some filthy Albanian trash walks up to you and tells you that Kosovo is not Serbia. [[Realise that you are being Racist, and that Albanians aren't as Filthy as you Thought]] [[Kill them]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Did you know that if you use simultaneously press the "escape," "power," and "refresh" buttons, you win the game? What are you waiting for‽ Try it out.

You begin to attack the moon people that were previously unmentioned with a bottle vodka you found lying around. However, the moon people are very strong and heavily armed, so you die.

You equip capirote to yourself. A wild Kaiba appears, and says, "As President of Kaiba Corp, I declare that action invalid." What do you? [[Follow the Rules]] [[Screw the Rules, You Have Money]]

You just can't. Everything stops without time.

When you click the subscribe button, you forget that you were already subscribed to him. Having been already subscribed to him, clicking the subscribe button causes you to unsubscribe. You scramble to click the subscribe button, but it is too late, the system has locked you out. Gamerdude promptly comes to extinguish you for your disloyalty.

The Tetris God has too many important things to do than to spend time worrying about a stupid mortal like you. For even thinking that you are worth his attention, he completes a line around you, obliterating you.

How dare you attempt to steal a box from TJ, Ultimate Lord of Boxes‽ TJ sees no reason for your existence and promptly has you eliminated.

You inform your opponent of your status, which distracts them long enough for you to poison their orange juice. But your opponent knew you would do this and had switched out your sweetener with your poison, so when you put sweetener in your orange juice, you actually poisoned yourself. Obviously, you die of your own poison, since no one likes you enough to give you the antidote.

You tribute hairy cane, only to find out that they only sell Metamora pants. Your opponent laughs at your stupidity. You are embarrassed to death.

Humanity has already given up on you, so nothing happens. Your opponent looks at you awkwardly and proceeds to defeat you in the duel by shooting you.

Everything on your side becomes slightly stronger, but the opponent is way more than slightly stronger than you, so you still lose.

The people at Farfetched News don't end up looking at your score until several months later, and when they look at the score, it is not high enough to make the list. You eventually die of old age; and, having lived a long and lonely life, eventually are forgotten.

Turns out the dolphin pods were actually tide pods. Requiescat in Pace .{get player name}. .{get game start time}. - .{get game end time}. "I think I'll eat this entire pod of dolphins!"

You ask the dolphins for assistance and offer this random bag of fish you found as a reward. The Dolphins grab you and take you back to their home, which happens to be a dolphin lair at the bottom of the ocean, you drown. While you are drowning, they promptly leave the planet while singing "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish."

You follow the rules; and, having nothing to do, are forced to end your turn. Your opponent then activates "Soitsodia," which has an effect as follows: "If you have all '-tsu' monsters in your hand, and all 'Exodia' monsters in your hand, then you win, this effect can be chained off of." You have lost, and therefore are become banished to the Shadow Realm.

He has more money than you and buys out an entire 51% of your company, you no longer have any money, and due to clause 13 of section 6 of article 9 of the Rules of existence, you cease to exist.

Then die, you must. And so it wert.

They object that statement, and you die from taking that.

With a few clicks, you open task manager. Now what? [[Kill you.exe]] [[Close Task Manager]] [[Kill skitty.exe]]

You die of laughter.

You see his chest rising and falling, and you think about how easy it would be to kill him. As you draw your blade, you are stabbed in the back, literally. You turn to face the traitor of traitors, and see his reflection in the mirror above the captain's bed. It's Joneis, the leader of the mutiny. You become so overwhelmed with the sense of betrayal that you pass out. But somehow, somehow, you know that you didn't just [[Pass Out]], you dead.

You are unsure of what your surroundings are, so you do not know what the best option is. What you do know, however, is that if you do not acquire water soon, you will die. [[Drink from Ocean]] [[Drink from Canteen]] [[Check Other Bodies for Drinks]] [[Search Island for Water Sources]]

You go to sleep. However, you have not properly cared for yourself and die of internal bleeding while sleeping.

As you approach the ocean, you realise that continuously drinking the waters of the ocean would kill a human. Of course, you don't need to worry about that, since you are not human. In fact, you don't need to drink water at all, and you are now questioning why it is that you set out on this quest for water. [[Drink Ocean Anyway]] [[Wait, What Am I?]] [[Become Human]]

You pull a canteen from your coat pocket, open it, and take a drink. You immediately feel strange, and you notice an odd paper tucked inside the cap of the canteen. Upon further inspection, you see that the paper reads: "Enjoy your last drink, Joneis." You die knowing that you have lived, and died, without purpose. You are now a nameless body, among other bodies, none of them distinguishably different from each other, on an island the same as all other islands, floating somewhere in 361 million square kilometres of water, slowly being taken away by the tide, leaving nothing behind but your opened canteen, its contents now seeping into the ground as all influence you had on this Earth seeps into time.

You search the other bodies, and you get to Cullen's body. You find a bottle in his pocket, and take a big gulp. It was poison. You're dead now.

You wander around the island for hours before you finally faint. You awaken later in a room that you do not recognise. You are in a bed in the center of a room void except for you, the bed, and a table next to the bed with a knife on it. You hear someone knocking at the door. [[Tell Them to Come In]] [[Tell Them to Go Away]] [[Open the Door]] [[Get Knife and Kill Them as They Enter]]

"Come in," you say, as you await whomever it is that is entering. They enter the room and say that they see that you seem to have gotten better. They tell you that you were practically dead when they found you, and that it is a good thing that you have recovered. They ask you where you are from, how do you respond? [[Tell Them That You Were a Sailor]] [[Tell Them You are from Mars]]

You force open and your mouth and manipulate various muscles within your body, that you may bring forth the subtle and nuanced phrase "go away" upon the world and its inhabitants. You hear a voice from the other side of the door: "Very well then." You eventually develop the need to rehydrate yourself; and, having thus developed said need, you attempt to position the door in its "open" position. However, you find that there is an object of significant weight, such that you are incapable of moving it, preventing you from applying force upon the door in such a manner that it moves into the "open" position. After some time, your body fails due to a lack of hydrogen dioxide within its system. There is only one word in your vocabulary to describe this predicament: dead.

You open the door to see a person who you can only assume is called Morgan, judging by the name tag attached to their shirt. "Well hello there, I am glad to see you are still alive. I must say, I was not expecting to have good news to return to the others. You are surely very confused. Why don't you grab the knife over there and let's walk." [[Grab the Knife and Walk with Them]] [[Stab Them]]

As the person enters the room, you stab them. As the blood flows from their body, they start a scream. Realising the consequences of such a scream, you quickly remove the knife and thrust once more, silencing your victim eternally. You retrieve your weapon from the corpse as you hear the footsteps of several others approaching. What do you do? [[Hide under the Bed]] [[Escape through the Window]] [[Rush the People with Your New Knife as they Enter the Room]]

They respond: "You were a sailor? So you are no longer then. I'd ask you why you aren't a sailor anymore, but that's none of my business. You got a place you call home?" How do you respond? [[The Boat Was My Home]] [[Tell Them that you are a Nomad]]

You tell them about how the captain had found you as a child and how you had spent your entire life on the boat, you speak for hours telling him your life story. You eventually get to the happenings of the recent years and about how you had found out that the captain had been shipping people, drugs, and guns. You couldn't stand that the captain was doing these things, and then you found out that the captain had killed your parents. And about how you killed him to end the horror he has leashed upon this planet. They tell you that that sounds pretty rough, and that they couldn't imagine being in your position. They offer to help you track down the boat and your old crew members. How do you respond? [[Ask Them How Such a Task Will Be Accomplished]] [[Tell them you Hate Boats]]

They inform you that they have a boat. Then they realise that you have not been told their name. They offer you a handshake, and tell you that their name is Morgan. You shake hands with Morgan and you both head out to the boat. When you reach the boat you examine it. The sails and the shape of the boat clearly identify it as a galley, but you know that it cannot be one because a galley would never be able to catch up to the cargo ship. When you enter it, however, you find a sizable engine room hidden inside the ship's simple exterior. Where are you heading? [[Head Towards The Ship's Last Known Destination]]

Everyone loads into the ship and set off towards the cargo ship's destination. When you finally arrive, you find that the ship never made it to the destination. You begin to ask around for any information that the locals might have. You ask the wrong person and are killed.

You eat the cake, it tastes nice. You go home, but on the way you get in a horrible car accident, resulting in death. Your death, specifically.

You begin to acquire more power and are moderately successful. [[Get Followers Now]]

You exit thraugh the hatch located on the bottom of the submarine, allowing you exposure to the world outside its metal shell. As you are climbing down the tree, you see a monkey with a bag of skittles. This strange sight gives you the urge to yell "beam me up, Skitty." However, you resist this urge. Upon reaching the bottom, you find a path and decide to follow it. Moments later, you arrive at a volcano. What's the plan? [[Jump in the Volcano]] [[Don't jump in the Volcano->Wait]] [[Talk to Narrator]] [[Beam me up Skitty]]

This wasn't here before. [[What's going on?]]

You got a cast of crabs. Now here comes this giant enemy crab that is wearing a bag of skittles for a hat. What is your course of action? [[Shoot at Giant Crab with Film of Cast of Crabs]] [[Attack its Weak Point for Massive Damage]] [[Shoot Film with Cast of Crabs and Giant Crab]] [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Eat a Head of Crabbage]]

You couldn't film them in time. The Giant Crab approaches you, and eats you because you smell of cheese.

You attack its weak point for massive damage, but as you strike what you believe is the weak point, a guy appears and informs you that it is RIDGE RACER! You die of nostalgia.

The filming goes successfully. You make BIG money. You could have made bigger money if you had casted Dimm-Dogg. [[Make Sequel with Dimm-Dogg]] [[Tell the Cast You've seen Mudcrabs More Fearsome Than Them.]] [[Eat Cheesy Crabs]]

You eat the head of crabbage. You did not read the head of crabbage's tooltip in the inventory before eating it. You are dead now, that is its effect.

Dimm-Dogg shows up. You film him, but upon seeing the film you find yourself unable to stop clapping. So this is how you die, with thunderous applause. You die happy knowing you have seen true beauty.

You gain fourty bounty for assaulting someone. A guard approaches you and says: "Stop! You've violated the law. Pay the fines, or serve your sentence, your stolen goods are now forfeit." You don't have any money, and you don't like jail, so you inform the guard that you are resisting arrest, to which the guard only says "THEN PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD! You at the guard a few times before they emmit the following: WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE Upon hearing that, you die.

You're lactose intolerant. And Crab intolerant. And a vegan. And oxygen intolerant. And a vegatarian. You have no regrets.

Well, I guess this is it, congratulations.

If the skittles were any calmer, they'd be dead. And now you are.

They don't accept. They'd never duel someone as low as you. They then turn you into stone, as a warning to all those who would dare oppose them.

You lose. Badly. So badly that you can now do nothing else.

You collect the knife and walk with Morgan. "Welcome to our island. We are all people that have been forgotten as you have. And like us, you shall devote yourself to the betterment of The Community. Your job will be to manage the community, cause any trouble, and you will find yourself fighting in it." Somehow you know that something is wrong here, but you don't have enough information to know exactly what's up. What's the plan? [[Do Your Assigned Job]] [[Find Others Who Want to Leave the Island]] [[Steal the Boat and Escape in the Night]]

You pick up the knife and begin the stabbing motion that you intend to use. As you force the knife towards Morgan, they extend their arm and grabs the blade. With one cool motion, he twists the blade with such force that your hand begins to burn from the friction of the handle. This causes you to release the blade, following which, Morgan turns the blade towards you and stabs you before shooting you with their flintlock. You are now deceased.

You quickly dive under the bed as the people enter the room, seeing the dead body. You hear a deep voice say "Search the area, we can't let this maniac loose." You then hear the sound of people shuffling out of the room. You emerge from the bed planning your next move, only to find that one of them had stayed on the bed. You turn and face your last enemy as they shoot you in the face.

You jump through the window and get some cuts from the glass, but are mostly intact. It is then that a grenade hits you in the face and falls to your feet, detonating before you can react.

You manage to stab the first person who enters the room, and then you take the gun from that person's side and shoot the next two people. It is at that moment just after pulling the trigger that you hear the sound of glass breaking and see a grenade fly through the window. Now what? [[Throw the Grenade out the Window]] [[Run through the Door]]` [[Shoot the Grenade]]

You throw the grenade out of the window only to be greeted by five more. You accept your fate, and stop fighting. You dead.

You leave the cabin through the door and are greeted by several people armed with guns. You put up a good fight, taking out a sizeable portion of the others before you are finally tackled and apprehended. You are then sent out on a small dinghy with nothing but the clothes on your back. You are found dead on the shore several months later.

You shoot the grenade, deactivating it. You have bought yourself a few seconds. What is the plan? [[Take the Map]] [[Check the Bodies of Your Victims for Helpful Supplies]] [[Defend Yourself in the Cabin]] [[Barricade the Door using the Bed]] [[Use the Dresser to Barricade the Door]] [[Barricade the Door with a Box]]

You take the map and follow it to where the docks are labeled on the map. This causes you to fall off of a cliff. You really should have read the map more thoroughly, as you realise now that you were looking at a map of London. You die as you hit the ground.

You search the bodies and find a few bullets, a lot of guns, and bottle labeled "kool-aid™." You decide to drink the kool-aid™. It was poison. "Why does this always happen," you think before you draw your last breath with a pencil and some crayons.

Five grenades fly through the window and greet you thusly: "Top o' the mornin' to you laddy!" "At last, we meet for the first time for the last time." "What's cookin'?" "You have my ear, citizen." "Good morning, and in case I don't see you again, good afternoon, good evening, and good night." You promptly receive a letter from a sixth grenade saying that they were unable to attend, but they send their regards and wish you a nice life. You are now surrounded by five grenades and a letter due to their excellent subterfuge skills. You know what grenades do. You know where this is going. It's going to London, where the letter will stab you with a large machete it had concealed in the crease of the envelope.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Great job, genius, you dead now. You aren't very good at this, are you?

Almost immediately after closing task manager, a blue screen appears before you that reads "a fatal exception has occured." Unfortunately for you, you were that fatal exception, and are now dead.

After killing skitty.exe, you feel a sense of accomplishment, as you have killed some sort of God-thing. You then take its place with only two options left. [[Win the Game]] [[Yell "beam me up Skitty"->Beam me up Skitty as Skitty]]

Congratulations, you win! Here is your prize: ‽ Use it wisely. This doesn't seem very fulfilling. I wonder if there is a better ending than this.

You utter The Phrase "beam me up, Skitty," causing your death. You have successfully ended the curse of Skitty. [[Win the Game]]

You throw their table and then you say, "Nobody wants your autograph, phonies." The two phonies then get and, as it turns out, they had a taser, and they tase you in the butthole over, and over. The phonies didn't let up, your butthole was on fire. The morale of the story is you can't trust the system, man. Also, you are dead now.

You let the Hollywood phonies give you their autograph. They seem like nice guys, and after you tell them about your predicament, the offer to help you leave the island. You have survived. [[Win the Game]]

You respectfully tell the man that you are not interested in their energy beverage. You are now at a loss as to what you should do. The glorious cave interior is illuminated by an unknown source of light. You see a bag of Skittles, and you see a shaft of light in the distance. [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Go to the Shaft of Light]] [[Look for a Restaurant]]

Turns out, the shaft of light was actually a ray of death. I'd hope you're smart enough to know what happens to people that walk into rays of death.

JACKPOT! This is a modern society with many restaurants, supplying you with a plethora of options. [[Chick-fil-a]] [[McDonald's]] [[Taco Bell]] [[Nando's]] [[Buffalo Wild Wings]] [[Dairy Queen]]

I've no clue what you meant by that. So I've teleported you to Venus. [[Request Transfer to Mars]]

You try to cut the line, but only end up cutting yourself, since you were at the front. You knew you should have payed more attention to that scissor safety course at Holeman University. Also, the name on your shirt changes from "Henry" to "Ray." Also, you die of a completely unrelated kidney illness.

As you put on the coffin, you find that is too small. You are unable to remove the coffin before you suffocate.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

As the room seals behind you, you notice something peculiar about the shape room on the fire escape plan: it is shaped like a coffin. You then realise simultaneously that this room is your coffin and what the guard meant by saying the only way you'll leave is in a coffin.

You are immediately transported to Mars, and, upon your arrival, Matt Damon kills you.

I don't know how to tell you this, but Larry doesn't exist. None of this exists. You're actually in a mental ward and just stabbed your ward mate with a spoon. [[Confess to the stabbing]] [[Claim it was Suicide]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You blow up the ship, and as it is exploding, you walk away without looking. You are a cool guy because you didn´t look at the explosion. Then you remember you can´t walk on water and subsequently die of hypothermia.

You start your murder spree with Henry. You killed yourself. Not much to say.

The 31st option is forbidden.

WHOAREYOUTOACCUSEME? DEATHCOMESTOYOUNOW

Does anything need to be said? I'm sure you know how this ends, do I need to spell it out? y o u a r e d e a d

The boat doesn't understand your input and proceeds to ram and kill you in the most gruesome manner it can think of.

You enjoy the beautiful chaos of the oceanic tornado before it destroys you. Your mangled body washes up on the shore days later.

You fool! Everyone knows you can't swim during an oceanic tornado. You'll just have to [[Wait]] until the storm is over.

As you consume the water, you realise it tastes oddly like radiation. Then a sword falls out of the sky and you realise you are the Chosen One, and the radioactive salt water turns you into a pile of salt. You are now Salt Person. [[Test Your New Salt Person Powers]]

You attempt to move, but find that you are incapable of motion, as you have no muscles. You begin to think about how lame it is to be Salt Person, as the tide begins to dissolve you into the ocean. Upon further exposure to the radioactive liquid, you somehow know that you have developed the ability to manipulate your electrons so that you can move. However, you are so dissolved in the water that you are unable to incur any reaction on the external environment, as your concentration is too low to have any effect. You begin to detect a temperature change as you realise some guy is boiling ocean water. When the water fully evaporates, he dumps you out on his sandwich, but you use your molecules to slide off the sandwich and onto the beach. You've know idea where you are, or how powerful you've become with your new powers. What's the plan? [[Find More Information about Your Surroundings]] [[Spend Time Thinking]] [[Get Revenge on the Guy That Was Going to Eat You]]

In the camp of the guy that you tried to eat you, you find a helpful brochure for tourists. You can read it, leave it, or take it. What's your plan? [[Take the Brochure]] [[Read the Brochure]] [[Leave the Brochure]] [[Eat the Brochure]]

What do you want to think about? [[Think about what Would've Happened if You Were on a Cheese Boat instead of a Ship in a Bottle]] [[Think about what Would've Happened if You Were on a Military Submarine instead of a Ship in a Bottle]] [[Think about what Would've Happened if You Were on a Cruise Ship instead of a Ship in a Bottle]] [[Think about what Would've Happened if You Were on a Cargo Ship instead of a Ship in a Bottle]]

You move towards the guy in a wave-like fashion, but he traps you in a jar. He sells the jar of "living salt" on Ebay for $20 and you are never released from the jar. Maybe if you had more mass, you could have stopped him.

You feel more acutely aware of your surroundings than normal. You begin to remember your past lives, all of the failures. [[Realize how limited your choices are]]

Is any of this real? Are you real? [[Of course I'm real]] [[I'm sure I'm real]]

And yet it seems that all of your choices inevitably lead to the same place. [[Does this ever end?]]

Do you want it to? [[Yes I do]] [[No I don't]]

Henry Bemis died that day having had an existential crisis. He was remembered by none, had no notable achievements, and had no impact upon the world around him.

Your name is Henry Bemis. Your age is unknown. You are married. You are a known time traveler. You have a deep love of donuts. [[Continue]]

You die of shame.

You attempted to kill the Albanian, but some Croatian trash stabs you first. Maybe if you you were more socially accepting, you wouldn't have died.

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill: the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill: you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more. [[Take the Blue Pill->Day 1]] [[Take the Red Pill]]

What do you want to do with it? [[Ingest the pill]] [[Shout "Beam me up Skitty"]]

Apparently it was a literal rabbit hole. You won't be getting out of here anytime soon.

Did you mean "beam me up, Skittle?" I like Skittles, apparently you do too. Anyway, you begin moving away from your current location. The lights turn off. [[Travel directly into the slavering fangs of a grue.]] [[Throw pill at the darkness]]

Really? You have to have figured out that that kills you by now.

The slavering fangs of a grue fail to block the pill from entering the grue's mouth. As it ingests the pill a rabbit hole literally opens underneath the grue as it falls deeper into the rabbit hole. I don't know what you expect to happen now? [[You Expect to Win]] [[You Expect a Boss Fight]] [[You Expect Answers]] [[You Have No Expectations]]

Well expectations are meant to go unfulfilled.

Reality is often disappointing.

Answers to what? [[How Deep the Rabbit Hole Goes->Continue]] [[Literally Anything but That]] [[Why Do I Like Donuts so Much?]] [[What is the Average Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow]]

You won't be disappointed.

I can't answer that for you... yet. You'll have to tune in next week to the FarfetchedNews Game to see the answer to that pressing question and more, including: The true story behind Henry Bemis's mysterious past The difference between a pudding demon and an ordinary demon The location of your parents The identity of the amazingly talented narrator that continuously talks to you The nature of your ability to travel through time And most importantly: Who is Skitty? P.S. Stay tuned for the sequel -The Farfetched News Development Team

I'm afraid I can't answer that. I'm too busy admiring the annual migration of the coconut.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Salt Person is mad at you for drinking them. They proceed to beat up your heart from inside, causing you to die.

A glitch. The anti-cheat software promptly ends you.

Bob the human-hater just so happened to witness your becoming human and, hating humans so, eliminates you.

The bed is mad at you for moving it without its permission. But with a lot of effort and 3 broken toes you convince it that it should move. You barricade the door with the bed, revealing a large amount of money. Would you like to buy more time? [[Yes]] [[No]] [[Wait for the Steam Sale]]

As you carefully examine the room in search of a dresser, a torrent of armed people enter the room and ask you what you are doing. You respond to their query by telling them that you are looking for a dresser. You are then informed of the location of a quaint furniture outlet and warn you of the falling pianos in the area. You dismiss their warning as amusing banter. As you are moving at a brisk pace to the furniture outlet to find a dresser to barricade the door to that room you were in so that they guys with guns can't get in, a piano falls on you, promptly killing you after giving you enough time to realise that you should not have ignored the warning that the guards gave you ere they spake.

It never goes on sale, forcing you to deal with your problems. However, you can afford to buy a vowel. What would you like to do? [[Throw Knife out the Window]] [[Buy an "A"]] [[Buy an "E"]] [[Buy an "O"]] [[Buy an "I"]] [[Buy a "U"]] [[Buy a "Y"]]

You throw the knife out of the window only to be greeted by five more. You accept your fate, and stop fighting. You dead.

You buy an "a" and promptly use it to turn the bed into a large bead. What do you do now? [[Wait]] [[Throw the Deactivated Grenade at the Guys Outside]] [[Play Bowling with your Cousin Roman Using the Bead and the Guys Trying to Kill You]] [[Shoot at the Guys]] [[Ingest Knife]]

You acquire an "e." It's one of those ultra commons that they added in Update 1.0.1.6.9.4.2.4.0.4.1.3.3.7. Its stats are just trash, but your vowel skill is high enough that it can be used automatically, and may be enough to provide a distraction for your escape. What's the plan, doc? [[Stay in the Cabin]] [[Leave]]

After buying an "o," you replace the "u" with the "o" to make a gon. You use the gon to get rid of the guys shooting at you, but it doesn't work because you didn't spell "gone" right. Maybe you should have payed more attention in class. With the creation of gon, you summon Georgia Outlet News. The narrator doesn't need to spell correctly, however, so the narrator uses your gon to banish you to Georgia. You then remember that time you swore on your life that you'd never go back to Georgia. Upon arriving in Georgia you die, as per your swearing that you'd never go back to Georgia.

You already own yourself, you dolt. Now I own you. And I don't like you. I'm the narrator, I'm an all-powerful god. I'm the god of gods. You stop exist now. Me win. Narratality. Flawless Victory. Toasty! Epic Battle Royale Victory. Winner winner chicken dinner. Narrator team wins. MVP:Narrator. LVP:Player. Mission success. Campaign over. Pack it up boys, we win. Happily ever after. Wenn Sie nicht gestorben sind, dann leben Sie nach heute.

I don't like you. Just stop. Stop trying to buy me. Don't make me kill you. I'm the narrator, I'm an all-powerful god. I'm the god of gods. You stop exist now. Me win. Narratality. Flawless Victory. Toasty! Epic Battle Royale Victory. Winner winner chicken dinner. Narrator team wins. MVP:Narrator. LVP:Player. Mission success. Campaign over. Pack it up boys, we win. Happy ever after. It's over, I have the high ground! I am the senate. I am the Alpha and the Omega. You dumb. Wenn Sie nicht gestorben sind, dann leben Sie nach heute.

But why? Why would you want to do that? Why do you exist?` Why, Mr. Bemis? Why, why, why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Bemis. Vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Bemis. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Bemis? Why? Why do you persist? You realise that it's true: you can't win. It's pointless for you to continue; it's an endless loop. You chose not to persist and, in doing so, you cease to exist. But was it really your choice? In truth, how could you prove that anything is your truth?

Five knives fly through the window and greet you thusly: "Top o' the mornin' to you laddy!" "At last, we meet for the first time for the last time." "Lookin' sharp." "You have my ear, citizen." "Good morning, and in case I don't see you again, good afternoon, good evening, and good night." You promptly receive a letter from a sixth knife saying that they were unable to attend, but they send their regards and wish you a nice life. You are now surrounded by five knives and a letter due to their excellent subterfuge skills. You know what knives do. You know where this is going. It's going to Berlin, where the letter will blow you up with a large grenade it had concealed in the crease of the envelope.

As you are leaving the cabin and running away, your body is perforated with millions of bullets as the people outside load many a bullet down upon you. Your body falls and lands in the mess of mud and blood created by your bleeding body.

They fall for your not-very-clever act and duck for cover. After the grenade does not explode, they reengage their siege. A bag of Skittles hits you square in the face giving you the urge to yell "Beam me up, Skitty!" You resist this urge because you have just witnessed something peculiar: a walking banana. You have a large bead, a gun, a knife, a map of what appears to be London, a couple cents, and a table. What's the plan? [[Eat the Skittles]] [[Beam me up Skitty]] [[Roll the Bead at the Bad Guys]] [[Give Them Your Two Cents]]

What do you shoot at them with? [[The Gun I Shot the Grenade with, Duh]] [[The Bag of Skittles]]

Ingesting weapons is in violation of the rules. You lose.

He's a master bowler, Roman wins. You accidentally bet your life instead of money(oops). You die.

The gun says "no," and continues to give a long speech about humanity's tendency for violence and about how it would be better for the planet if all humans were to stop existing. You decide not to shoot the guys, having been convinced by the gun to change your ways. However, the guys weren't listening, and have no qualms when it comes to killing you.

They hate Martians. They kill you.

They accuse you of being a barbarian and kill you.

You open your mouth and utter the following: "I hate boats. They're coarse, rough, irritating, and they just get everywhere." They seem appalled by this and proceed to throw acid into your face, causing your death.

The Skittles don't want you to.

You roll the bead. Due in part to its large size, and your relative weakness, the bead does not go very far. Since there are a bunch of dudes trying to kill you, they simply roll the bead back at you. The bead kills you, and you attach to it. The bead continues to roll and accumulate mass until it has consumed everything.

They ignore your two cents and shoot you in the knee. While you do survive, you realise that you can no longer be an adventurer, which means you might as well be dead.

What bag of Skittles? You promptly die of trying to use an object that does not exist.

As you barricade the door with a box, you realise there is no box. A large wave of armed guards march in and ask you what you are doing. You tell them that you are looking for a box to barricade the door with. One of them hands you a donut box, and you get the feeling that they ate the last donut, but that's not important right now. The person you assume is the leader of the group asks if you want to start the whole thing over, and you say yes. [[Use the Box to Sneak away]] [[Use the Box to Barricade Door]]

You sneak right past the guards and board a boat. You're not sure where Joneis is, but the map of London that keeps showing up periodically for no reason makes you think he is in London. [[Leave for London]] [[Leave for Fiji]] [[Leave for Djibouti]]

Turns out, the box isn't a very good barricade. The guys just barge through the door and eliminate you.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

They catch your clever box disguise. You are utterly confused. Every time you try to leave for Fiji, something or someone stops you. Eventually you get a boat and a storm breaks out. You feel many people cheering for you and observing your actions. Unfortunately, you drown in the ocean, bringing an end to the lucrative saga that is your life.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You really think it's a good idea to correct the guy that decides your fate? You're donezo. Dead.

I'm pretty hyped about it, I'm sure you are too. What games do you want it to have? [[ET]] [[Kool-aid Man the Game]] [[Name This Game and Win $10000]] [[Pepsi Man]]

Well Atari is making this new console, I bet it's going to be pretty great. What do you think? [[Atari is Dumb and so Are You]] [[Not as Great as the PlayStation Classic]] [[I Agree]]

I see you exhibit a degree of culture just as I do. I, too, would like to see ET released for the new Atari. I believe that it was not a very bad game and exhibits many of the qualities that modern games are praised for. And, unlike common belief, it did not, in fact, cause the video game crash of 1983. That was inevitable. Even if ET had never been made, that event would have happened, even if it might have been delayed. [[That's Pretty Cool]] [[You're Dumb]]

While Kool-aid Man the Game was truly a triumph of human engineering, it is unlikely it will be re-released any time soon. Alas, we have run out of time and you must get back to work. [[Get Back to Work ->The Volcano]]

Someone already named the game and already received the prize. [[You're Dumb]]

Indeed it is so. Anyway, it is time for you to return to your work. [[Go Back to What You Were Doing ->The Volcano]]

YOU FOOL! I AM THE NARRATOR, IMMORTAL GOD OF THIS GAME. MY WORDS ARE LAW! AND YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE LAW, CRIMINAL SCUM! STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. PAY THE COURT YOUR LIFE OR SERVE YOUR SENTENCE(OF LIFE). YOUR STOLEN GOODS ARE NOW FORFEIT! [[Pay Fine]] [[Resist Arrest -> The Narrator Hates You]] [[Use Console Commands -> The Narrator Hates You]]

Unfortunately, the bank of the narrator does not accept that currency. Now you must pay with your blood.

THEN PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD. With but a simple thought, I end your pathetic and meaningless existance. I don't like you. Just stop. Don't make me kill you. I'm the narrator, I'm an all-powerful god. I'm the god of gods. You stop exist now. Me win. Narratality. Flawless Victory. Toasty! Epic Battle Royale Victory. Winner winner chicken dinner. Narrator team wins. MVP:Narrator. LVP:Player. Mission success. Campaign over. Pack it up boys, we win. Happy ever after. It's over, I have the high ground! I am the senate. I am the Alpha and the Omega. You dumb. GAME OVER, MAN! DONEZO! Wenn Sie nicht gestorben sind, dann leben Sie nach heute.

You obviously would have eaten the boat.

You'd've probably had the ability to land on the ground, a volcano, a tree, a cave, and the ability to yell "beam me up, skitty." [[Think about Landing on the Ground]] [[Think about Landing on the Volcano]]

Obviously there would be explosions.

The cargo ship would probably have been on the brink of mutiny, and you probably would have informed the captain because you are a good person. Turns out, the captain doesn't like bad news. You're fired, probably, you aren't sure, none of this is real. [[Think about the Captain]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You've no digestive tract, so nothing happens when you try to eat it. Also, the brochure does have a digestive tract and does eat you. Game over.

That probably would've been death. [[Think about what Would've Happened if You Were on a Military Submarine instead of a Ship in a Bottle]]

The volcano would probably have been inactive, seeing as there was a tree for you to land on. You then probably would've been able to jump in the volcano, not jump in the volcano, talk to the narrator, or eat a nice slice of pie. [[Think about Eating the Nice Slice of Pie]] [[Think about Talking to the Narrator]] [[Think about not Jumping in the Volcano]] [[Think about Jumping in the Volcano]]

This makes you realise how hungry you are, and you die of starvation.

Why think about it when you could actually do it? [[I Don't Like the Narrator]] [[Because I'm Stupid]]

I don't like you either, player. You dead. Now.

Yes, you are. [[Wait]]

[[Wait]]

If you were to jump in this completely hypothetical volcano, you'd probably have four options: go left, go right, go down, or yell "beam me up, skitty." [[Think about Yelling Beam Me up, Skitty!->Beam me up Skitty]] [[Think about Going Left]] [[Think about Going Right]]

If you were to havve gone left, you'd've probably been bombarded with offers to try the latest energy drink by some guy. You'd've probably been able to drink the energy drink, to throw it on the ground, to respectfully decline the energy drink, to turn around, or to ask the man for a delectable piece of pie. [[Think about Asking for a Delectable Piece of Pie->Think about Eating the Nice Slice of Pie]] [[Think about Turning around->Think about Going Right]] [[Think about Throwing the Energy Drink on the Ground]] [[Think about Respectfully Declining the Energy Drink]]

error

Throwing the drink on the ground likely results in your death no matter what you do. [[Think about Landing on the Volcano]]

He is saddened.

No, you.

Only under one condition can the PlayStation Classic ever rival amazingness that is the new atari console: that Pepsiman is on the PlayStation Classic. It is not. Therefore, you issued a falsehood. Liars deserve to die. End of story.

Yes, it will be. What games would you like on it? [[Mario]] [[Name This Game and Win $10000]] [[Pepsi Man]] [[ET]] [[Kool-aid Man the Game]]

As you begin emmitting a word, a large Italian plumber lands on, and crushes, you. You feel each bone break and falter into itself as though the weight of a thousand suns has just been placed upon you. As you feel your entire existance flattening, you are able to see above for a few brief moments. This view, however, does not supply any answers. Only one pressing question: What the heck does "1-UP" mean? You begin to fill with regret as your final breath escapes you, and you hear the last thing you'll hear for eternity: Yahoo! Yippee!

The captain has some high-quality leather boots on. The scent of the fine leather distracts you so long that you die of age. In real life, not your thoughts. Just to be clear, you are now dead, for real, in the game, unless you are actually dead; if you are actually dead, we apologise, we've nothing we can do for you.

Hairy Cane tastes so good that you die from its flavour.

You cause world peace because of your excellent choice in music. Unfortunately, that makes for an uninteresting game. Start over.

You win all the games you engage in and retire as a trillionaire.

You lose all your money. As a consolation prize, you are given an all expenses paid trip to Mad Town, California. When you arrive you are killed in a fatal cargo loading incident. Maybe if you were in space you would not have died.

As the installation begins, a guy named Tsi teleports behind you. He declares that you have violated the rules. Decide your punishment. [[Beat to Death by Laptop Keyboard]] [[Get Added to the Blocklist]] [[Have Your Tabs Get Nuked]]

You're dead now. For obvious reasons.

You kill yourself because no one can interact with or see you.

You die of sadness because they blocked nyan.cat and you lost all your homework progress.

You try to say "I am become death." But you cough while talking. Instead you say "I am become dead." So you are. So it goes.

You are enjoying the VR game, but when you get stabbed, you have a heart attack since the VR was so realistic you thought you were really stabbed.

Turns out Soitsu is an infinity stone. Thanos comes and takes it from you. You try to kill him. He kills you with politeness.

You are arrested. All your stolen goods are now forfeit. You attempt to resist arrest, and are killed.

You go to play the maze game but realized you never finished making it. You start adding more features to the game and time begins to pass by. You didn't realize it but you were in a time acceleration gate and you quickly crumble to dust.

Thank you. You died as a result of the improbability of the situation.

As you see the airpods, the room begins to fill with water. You try telling your opponent that you can't swim, but he doesn't understand as he doesn't speak broke. You are now drowned.

Your opponent counters the dab with a nae nae. RIP can we get an 'f?'

You receive an email telling you that you've won the Mexican lotterly of 1000 Pesos, you promptly leave the duel to collect your winnings. Upon arriving at the winnings collection depot, you are blindfolded(for security purposes). You wake up hours later with no lungs.

You spend hours grinding away the dull blade of the pencil, before it finally snaps as you retreive it from the sharpener. You die of minor annoyance.

You promptly receive a cease and desist order from The Mouse. You are then fined one trillion dollars a month later. You die in debtor's prison.

You read the paper and it informs you of the emperor's death. Then a gate to Oblivion opens on top of you and you die.

You get blocksi nuked.

You confidently land in fourth place. You are shamed out of the profession and lose your job. You become a homeless nobody and are quickly lost to the sands of time.

They are happy that you let them win, and share their prize with you. You eventually develop a friendship with them and retire as friends.

You quickly realise that it would take more than a simple whip and nae nae to defeat your opponent, so you come up with your own dance. You become a popular internet meme for three days before dying.

A bullymong named knuckledragger comes up and takes out your eye, leaving you dead.

You are killed by SCP-173. Try not blinking next time.

You don't blink and slowly back away. You have escaped SCP-173. [[Go Back and Blink -> Blink]] [[Look for Shelter]]

Your blinking has resulted in death by SCP-173.

You found a neat little cave that you make into a nice home. When you're exploring the depths of the cave a radioactive and magic alien crab pinches you on the brain by entering through your ear. You feel your sense crawling on your back, something was warning you that a shark was about to come flying at you. You easily catch it, detecting the danger ahead of time. You've no idea how you were able to detect the incoming shark, but you're impressed. You've a feeling that this new ability has something to do with your recent injury from a crab. You put down the shark(in your pool, you didn't kill it) and keep it as a pet. Senses say: shark is not ready dangerous to teach a shark when just met it is [[Teach your Shark a Trick]] [[Perform a Geological Survey of the Area]] [[Become a Vigilante]]

You throw the shark a piece of drift wood, the shark jumps up to catch it but misses it. The shark lands squarely on your head, incapacitating you and leaving you to bleed to death.

The geologists come and converge on the earth. They are angry that you have stolen their job. They find your living space because they explore every cave. They chip away at your crust, as they are fearless and brave. The "g" is for going, which they do after they're done. The "e" is for eons, which is how long you'll be dead. The "o" is for the outcrop, which you're inclined to die on. The "l" is for layers showing how deep you're buried. The "o" is for "oh my! you'll die because you bleed." The second "g" is meant to give is meant to give a little bit more insight, for nine times out of ten when the go they aren't done The "i" is for igneous The "s" is for sand The "t" is for the timeline they're holding in their hand. The geologist are coming. They're emerging from their tents.

You make a costume out of crabs. Living crabs. You are now the Ruler of Crabs. You stop a bunch of criminals who all disappear at some point.

While a Pepsi remaster or re-release would be amazing, it would most likely be a PlayStation exclusive as the previous Pepsi Man game was. Sad. Time to get back to work. [[Get Back to Work ->The Volcano]]

No.

You order a chicken sandwich, but die from the rotten lettuce they put on it.

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You don't have enough money on you to pay for their exorbitant prices. You die of shame as you are escorted out of the venue.

While you are at Dairy Queen, Warren Buffet does a surprise visit. You die from how cool he is.